when you get back
so thats it i guess. yay for last tumblr posts until i turn 18. im sorry. to anyone that might have read these posts and recieved the wrong impression of me. that my life revovles around cutting and crazy innapropriate things most girls shouldnt have on their minds. i hope that i have not influenced anyone to partake in any self abusive or innapropriate actions because of my blog.. for that was not its intention. i have misused this blog as a diary for my personal feelings that i shoild not broadcast. i realize that now. and although i have the opportunity to keep it and have it closely monitered by my parents, i chose to demolish it completely. because im not sure i know yet, how to let out my emotions in a safe way for myself and others. im sorry. so so sorry. so thats it i guess. for tumblr, that is. bye.
i check if you follow,no likes & reblog once!
i promise you’ll gain followers!
randomly chosen using random.org in a few mins xo
(Source: m4nduh)
What do you do when the main thing holding you up; the main source of your happiness, is slowly destroying themselves piece by piece? Hating themselves and their life so much, that they feel the only thing to do is hurt. What if it’s your fault. Your fault they had this false impression that one kind of pain makes another disappear. That a simple slice of the leg, arm, stomach, that temporarily numbs sadness.. Will just bring it all back. That one cut turns in to two, and two turns in to over 40. Yes. I’ve counted. I feel like a failure. Like I was put on this earth to keep her happy and safe and I’ve failed 100%. Like all i can do is sit here and watch her mutilate and become the me that i despise. The me that hates everything. The me that sits up till fucking 3 am shredding and hiding razor blades in eraser sleeves and wiping away the blood with old clothes that i keep hidden in the back of my closet. It hurt me the first time around.. Realizing how much of a monster i can become when exposed to that much hatred. And i should know what to say to her. What will heal her scars and make her love life as much as i love her in my life. I wish i could runaway with her and guard her from the horrible, murderous society we are mistakenly planted in. And as much as that might be possible, and i want to so badly protect her from this terrible world.. I realize the outside world might not be the problem. that I can runaway and never look back.. But i cant save her from the internal sadness. The inner hatred she has for herself. That’s what hurts. Because as hard as I try.. I’ll never be able to save her from herself.
Yay. 2 days cut free!! I can do this.
(Source: confession-depression-scene, via slowly-dying-inside)
(Source: shetakesflight, via themilkywhiteway)
So I guess I’m just writing this because I feel low. And I haven’t written anything quality in a while and I miss it. Also, I’m laying in bed, thinking through my day. Hating myself. As usual. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m basically given the life so many people would kill for, and I’m abusing it. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I’m just ruining it. Step by step. I feel pathetic. Worthless. And I know I’m not. I know how many fantastic people love me, so so much. I know I’m lucky. But in my own little fucked up world, nothing’s ever good enough. My grades, my boyfriend, my body, my life. I just always want more. My own self hatred disgusts me. So yeah, basically I wish I could write something optimistic or whatever. But. I can’t even. Ugh. Goodnight.
